Homosexuality And Cultural Adaptability

An Orthodox rabbi has started a matchmaking services for gay men and women who are seeking to fulfill the Jewish requirement of having children:

I applaud Rabbi Harel's efforts in bringing his Orthodox Jewish culture and modern-day concerns on homosexuality together. His matchmaking service is just another example of how cultures can and will adapt to those who express gender a little differently.

Source: Yahoo!

While we're discussing gender, let's get something clear: a person's "sex" is between their legs, while a person's "gender" is between their ears. Gender is a social role to be played, not a physical characteristic.

Throughout history, cultures have adapted to accommodate differently-gendered folk. For example:
- Two-Spirit (Native American)
- Hijra (South Asia)
- Fa'afafine (Polynesia)
- Sworn Virgins (Balkans)

Each of these alternate genders had very specific roles in their cultures, and very specific rules they had to follow. Oftentimes, a shortage of one sex or the other will cause the emergence of a third gender (such as in the case of the Fa'afafine and the Sworn Virgins), either by the choice of the parents or the child. Many Fa'afafine consider their role to be an honor, and even though their sexual expression is male, because they are a third gender, they are not considered to be homosexuals, even when they pursue relationships with men or other Fa'afafine.

The rabbi is simply doing the same thing; adapting his culture to meet the needs of those who cannot follow traditional gender roles.

I also particularly like this quote about the Rabbi's views of gays continuing to date outside the marriage:

Harel said as long as both parties are aware the other is dating, it would not be adultery in such a union. He said the same would not be true for a straight couple because they are sexually compatible and have no reason to look elsewhere. Jewish law forbids adultery.

For me personally, adultery has always required an element of deception. I believe strongly that the core of adultery is neglect; the person cheating is the person whose needs are not being met. Thus, to avoid getting cheated on, one must do two things:

1) Be responsive and mindful of the other person's needs in the relationship

2) Be communicative with their partner about what's going on in their life, and if there is someone who they are feeling attracted to.

My bottom line definition of cheating: If you wouldn't tell your partner about it, you're cheating. It's the queasiness, the excitement, the thrill of doing something you're not supposed to, that puts the spice into cheating that might not be there otherwise. If you tell your partner you're going out for coffee with someone else, the "forbidden fruit" syndrome is side-stepped. If you are mindful of the other person's needs, there is less of at temptation to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

Source: The Solipsistic Me

Rabbi Harel's adaptation is very similar, as he acknowledges that gay males and females who are married to each other may not be sexual compatible. In this case, a need exists that the other partner is incapable of providing. This is no different than a bi woman who is in a relationship with a male who asks to see another woman. It's not that the guy isn't "man" enough, it's that he's not "woman" enough. To attempt to force either party into monogamy seems to create more problems than it would solve.

The only caveat: If you're going to sleep outside of the relationship, keep your partner safe. What do I mean by this? Use protection. There is no way you can justify sleeping with other people if you're risking your partner's life in the process. Caution is certainly prudent; one suggestion is to make sure all parties involved have negative STI tests that are at least 6 months apart, as well as using protection. I have no idea what the Orthodox Jewish stance is on barrier contraceptive methods, so I don't know what Rabbi Harel would advise. Any Jewish readers, please feel free to comment.

Western culture is actually the exception, not the rule, when it comes to roles for the Alphabet Soup. I suspect this is why the gay community is so vocal; we have no purpose socially. A safe, constructive, positive outlet for alternate gender identities would ease tensions between the gay community and those who would oppress it. There would be clear role-models, clear expectations. Yes, of course there would be those who still wouldn't follow the rules; there's a place for them too. But it is the lack of a place for Alphabet Soup members that is creating a flashpoint, as we try to take over space that has been occupied in the past by an Abrahamic-centric, homophobic culture.

The results are not pretty. Matthew Shepard and Brandon Teena can attest to that. While I acknowledge that Rabbi Harel's solution isn't ideal, it represents an acknowledgement of inborn characteristic of alternate identities. We cannot help who we are; at least help us find a place where we can be. The gay community has been lobbying hard to receive the simplest, most basic of human rights - the acknowledgement that I exist. Thank you, Rabbi Harel, for that acknowledgement.