Reasons For An Honest Relationship

Originally I was going to title this "Reasons For An Open Relationship", but the truth is, I want this advice to be applicable to more than just those who are looking up ways to negotiate bringing in a third (or fourth, or fifth) person into the bedroom. I honestly believe that there are traits that successful open relationships share that would also greatly benefit regular, two-person relationships.

Honesty
This is the biggest characteristic of any successful relationship, open, closed, or other. If you cannot be honest in admitting that you are attracted to someone else, then you should probably see a therapist, because I strongly suspect your lack of honesty with yourself is hindering you in other aspects of your life. You must also be honest with yourself in admitting what you aren't comfortable with. If you don't want to see your man kiss another woman, then say so, and have the confidence to walk away if he can't respect that. Likewise, you shouldn't have to worry about a five-minute tirade if your wife catches you giving a hottie the elevator look (you know, the up-and-down look guys give women).

PWYP (Practice What You Preach): My fiance and I were working on our rules about a year or so ago, when I developed a rather strong attraction to another man. We had already established that we could both sleep with other women (I'm bi, he's. . . well, male), but the question of me sleeping with other men hadn't really been ironed out. So I started pushing the issue, verbally only (I wasn't going to take any action until I was sure it wouldn't damage the relationship). For the most part, my questions were met with mumbling, usually some form of "Well, it's only fair, if I can sleep with other women." The lowered head, folded shoulders, and avoidance of eye-contact let me know he wasn't as comfortable with it as he made it sound. Eventually, he finally owned up to his discomfort, and we were able to define the rule we both could live with - I can watch another man whack off, but I can't touch him, and he can't touch me.

Communication
If honesty is the first key to a successful relationship, then communication of that honesty is certainly the second. This also requires a third key (confidence) that I'll discuss in a little bit. I'm not just talking communication of the "Hey honey, how was your day?" variety. That has its place as the marker of an interested spouse. But the communication I'm talking about is a little more in-depth. Both parties need to make sure they are understood properly, that the message is clear. The easiest way to do that is to ask your partner to describe to you what you've just said. Then you can best judge whether or not your partner has really gotten the message. The other part to communication is also providing that safe space for your partner to feel comfortable talking to you. If she feels like you're going to bite her head off every time she tries to discuss a certain topic, lines of communication will break down, and the relationship will suffer. You need to put your ego away for a bit so you can truly hear what the other person has to say, and then make any necessary adjustments.

PWYP: In my family, we often say something like, "I know this is going to sound wrong, but. . . " This little phrase signals many things: it lets the other person know the speaker isn't trying to be offensive, though what follows after the "but" might easily be taken that way; it signals everyone to put their egos away and work towards the goal of understanding what the speaker is trying to communicate; and it lets everyone know that the matter is important enough to bring up. This gives the speaker the space to say what she needs to say, without the fear of everyone jumping all over her before she can get the point across.

Confidence
Unfortunately, confidence is also a big part of both honesty and communication. You must have the confidence to speak up. You are worth it. If other people won't give you the space to speak up, then you need to just walk away. You are a valuable human being. You might be wrong, and you might be misunderstanding the situation, but you have a voice that deserves to be heard. The flip side to this: if you notice that your partner doesn't have much confidence, you should work with them to help encourage their confidence. A brow-beaten, dependent partner is someone you will have to babysit, and our time on earth is far too valuable for that. Your goal should be to have a relationship with your equal; that builds trust, makes communication easier, and allows for mutual respect.

PWYP: To help your partner build confidence, encourage him in his pursuits. Is he thinking about starting a new project, but not confident he can do it? Help him take classes, or suggest people he can talk to. However, there is a strong tendency (especially among women), to just do it for them. Don't. This does not build confidence; it sucks it out. By not trusting your partner to handle it, you are sabotaging their confidence. Does this mean that sometimes you'll be let down? Sure, but if you take the long view, the disappointment will be brief. If you really have a hard time believing your partner is capable of something, have a backup plan. That will give you the peace of mind while allowing your partner to develop her self-esteem.

Respect
The fourth and final key is respect. Simply put, respect is the treatment of the other person and the other person's needs as being equal to your own. Your wife might spend 15 hours a day staying home taking care of the kids, but you will destroy the relationship if you view her time as less valuable than yours. Likewise, if your husband states that he is not comfortable with something (say, spanking said kids), you must respect your partner's boundaries.

PWYP: This is more of an attitude than the other three keys, so it requires more of a mental game and the development of habits. Wake up every morning and ask, "How can I help my partner today?" This immediately sets you up in the mindset of valuing what your partner is doing and working towards. If your partner sets a boundary, then do not cross that boundary out of spite or "just because." Those are petty games that are more suitable for the sandbox than a mature, adult relationship.

A word about compromise/fairness
I'm not going to include compromise and fairness in this list, for two reasons. First, I strongly believe that if you practice the previous four keys, fairness and compromise will likely flow organically from it. Second, not everyone's definition of "fair" is the same, and that's something that needs to be ironed out between the members of the relationship. For example, is it fair to split the household chores 50/50? What if one person works 14 hour days and the other stays at home? Or only works 8 hours a day? Is it still fair? When you are honest about your own needs, can communicate those needs effectively, have the confidence to demand your needs, and can respect other people's needs, "fair" becomes so inherent that the word is more often used to describe the weather than your relationship.