Originally I was going to title this "Reasons For An Open Relationship", but the truth is, I want this advice to be applicable to more than just those who are looking up ways to negotiate bringing in a third (or fourth, or fifth) person into the bedroom. I honestly believe that there are traits that successful open relationships share that would also greatly benefit regular, two-person relationships.
Honesty
This is the biggest characteristic of any successful relationship, open, closed, or other. If you cannot be honest in admitting that you are attracted to someone else, then you should probably see a therapist, because I strongly suspect your lack of honesty with yourself is hindering you in other aspects of your life. You must also be honest with yourself in admitting what you aren't comfortable with. If you don't want to see your man kiss another woman, then say so, and have the confidence to walk away if he can't respect that. Likewise, you shouldn't have to worry about a five-minute tirade if your wife catches you giving a hottie the elevator look (you know, the up-and-down look guys give women).
PWYP (Practice What You Preach): My fiance and I were working on our rules about a year or so ago, when I developed a rather strong attraction to another man. We had already established that we could both sleep with other women (I'm bi, he's. . . well, male), but the question of me sleeping with other men hadn't really been ironed out. So I started pushing the issue, verbally only (I wasn't going to take any action until I was sure it wouldn't damage the relationship). For the most part, my questions were met with mumbling, usually some form of "Well, it's only fair, if I can sleep with other women." The lowered head, folded shoulders, and avoidance of eye-contact let me know he wasn't as comfortable with it as he made it sound. Eventually, he finally owned up to his discomfort, and we were able to define the rule we both could live with - I can watch another man whack off, but I can't touch him, and he can't touch me.
Communication
If honesty is the first key to a successful relationship, then communication of that honesty is certainly the second. This also requires a third key (confidence) that I'll discuss in a little bit. I'm not just talking communication of the "Hey honey, how was your day?" variety. That has its place as the marker of an interested spouse. But the communication I'm talking about is a little more in-depth. Both parties need to make sure they are understood properly, that the message is clear. The easiest way to do that is to ask your partner to describe to you what you've just said. Then you can best judge whether or not your partner has really gotten the message. The other part to communication is also providing that safe space for your partner to feel comfortable talking to you. If she feels like you're going to bite her head off every time she tries to discuss a certain topic, lines of communication will break down, and the relationship will suffer. You need to put your ego away for a bit so you can truly hear what the other person has to say, and then make any necessary adjustments.
PWYP: In my family, we often say something like, "I know this is going to sound wrong, but. . . " This little phrase signals many things: it lets the other person know the speaker isn't trying to be offensive, though what follows after the "but" might easily be taken that way; it signals everyone to put their egos away and work towards the goal of understanding what the speaker is trying to communicate; and it lets everyone know that the matter is important enough to bring up. This gives the speaker the space to say what she needs to say, without the fear of everyone jumping all over her before she can get the point across.
Confidence
Unfortunately, confidence is also a big part of both honesty and communication. You must have the confidence to speak up. You are worth it. If other people won't give you the space to speak up, then you need to just walk away. You are a valuable human being. You might be wrong, and you might be misunderstanding the situation, but you have a voice that deserves to be heard. The flip side to this: if you notice that your partner doesn't have much confidence, you should work with them to help encourage their confidence. A brow-beaten, dependent partner is someone you will have to babysit, and our time on earth is far too valuable for that. Your goal should be to have a relationship with your equal; that builds trust, makes communication easier, and allows for mutual respect.
PWYP: To help your partner build confidence, encourage him in his pursuits. Is he thinking about starting a new project, but not confident he can do it? Help him take classes, or suggest people he can talk to. However, there is a strong tendency (especially among women), to just do it for them. Don't. This does not build confidence; it sucks it out. By not trusting your partner to handle it, you are sabotaging their confidence. Does this mean that sometimes you'll be let down? Sure, but if you take the long view, the disappointment will be brief. If you really have a hard time believing your partner is capable of something, have a backup plan. That will give you the peace of mind while allowing your partner to develop her self-esteem.
Respect
The fourth and final key is respect. Simply put, respect is the treatment of the other person and the other person's needs as being equal to your own. Your wife might spend 15 hours a day staying home taking care of the kids, but you will destroy the relationship if you view her time as less valuable than yours. Likewise, if your husband states that he is not comfortable with something (say, spanking said kids), you must respect your partner's boundaries.
PWYP: This is more of an attitude than the other three keys, so it requires more of a mental game and the development of habits. Wake up every morning and ask, "How can I help my partner today?" This immediately sets you up in the mindset of valuing what your partner is doing and working towards. If your partner sets a boundary, then do not cross that boundary out of spite or "just because." Those are petty games that are more suitable for the sandbox than a mature, adult relationship.
A word about compromise/fairness
I'm not going to include compromise and fairness in this list, for two reasons. First, I strongly believe that if you practice the previous four keys, fairness and compromise will likely flow organically from it. Second, not everyone's definition of "fair" is the same, and that's something that needs to be ironed out between the members of the relationship. For example, is it fair to split the household chores 50/50? What if one person works 14 hour days and the other stays at home? Or only works 8 hours a day? Is it still fair? When you are honest about your own needs, can communicate those needs effectively, have the confidence to demand your needs, and can respect other people's needs, "fair" becomes so inherent that the word is more often used to describe the weather than your relationship.
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
An Open-Book Policy
I get in trouble for telling the truth a lot. My most recent experience involved a job interview that I had completely aced otherwise. The final question was, "Are you available to work tomorrow?"
Now, I know in my head the answer the interviewer is "looking" for; an unqualified yes, no hesitation, no exceptions.
But I am human. That particular day, I happened to have an appointment a half hour's drive away to get food stamps. The appointment was at eleven. I told the woman that I would be happy to start work tomorrow, but that I would be available after 1pm.
"Well, I have other candidates to look at," she replied, her attitude going from warm and sociable to rude and unavailable. I felt like I got smacked in the face.
Where have we gone wrong as a society when we cannot tell the truth about simple obligations. Where have we gone wrong as a society when the simple act of having an appointment means someone can't get a job, let alone the fact that the appointment was so I could eat.
It would have taken a minimum of 2 weeks to get my first paycheck. My family is tapped, having given far more support than they had ever originally signed up for when I moved back home. My fiancé's family is tapped, already supporting for more adults than they should be. I went on food stamps to attempt to ease the burden a little and buy groceries for both households. I only get 200 a month, but it helps immeasurably in easing tension.
I'm very much an open book. I don't hide the good and the bad things I've gone through and done. While some people may be uncomfortable around my willingness to discuss damn near anything, I believe that honesty is key in having successful relationships. You cannot fix what you don't acknowledge. Instead of killing each other with the thousands of small cuts caused by little white lies, approach the issue honestly. Acknowledge that what you say may sound wrong; this will help blunt any hurt the other person may feel. But if you keep it hidden, it will destroy you.
Secrets isolate us. When someone keeps a secret, they are attempting to control a large issue all by themselves. It's exhausting, and unnecessary. We need to stop telling these lies, not only to others, but to ourselves as well. Things are not "fine." Things suck. But things won't get easier if you don't ask for help, and you can't ask for help if you don't acknowledge there is a problem.
Culturally we seem to be dealing with an addiction to lies. There are the social lies we tell ourselves, where we drive the best cars, live in the best houses, and fill those houses with the best toys in an attempt to tell the lie of social status, pretending to be better off than we are. The result: The inevitable fall from social standing when the lie becomes too much to maintain.
There are financial lies we tell ourselves, and worse, to our partners. Our husband does not need to know about the 20 songs we downloaded for a dollar each on Amazon. Our wife doesn't need to know about the new power tool. My business partner doesn't need to know about the money lost on a bad investment. And most of all, no one needs to know we can't pay our bills.
But we can't. Instead of holding that secret against your chest, open up a little and see what happens. Sure, you're going to get criticism. Sure, people will call you every name in the book and a few that aren't. But do you want to fix things? Or are you content to maintain the status quo, watching your family slowly drown instead of waving your arms for that life preserver?
There are health lies we tell ourselves. We don't really weigh that much; that scale has always been faulty. My joints don't hurt that much. My blood pressure isn't that high. This food is good for me. Nationally we are experiencing rising rates in gout, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, obesity and its associated risks. Why? Because we are too cowardly to tell ourselves the truth: We did it, we're responsible for it, and we need to fix it.
We cannot rely on Congress (the biggest batch of liars) to fix these problems for us; they are behind just as big a wall of lies as we are. Their lies include misrepresentation of data to support their agenda, use of inflammatory and hateful language in order to shine the worst light on their opponent, use of religion to justify the mistreatment and discrimination of others. How can we expect a social institution to come up with fixes when they can't even tell the truth about facts? There is a well-known quote regarding Planned Parenthood, that 90% of their funding went to abortions. When this was revealed as a gross error, the speaker backwheeled by saying, "The statistic was never meant to be accurate." In plain terms: I lied about the statistic to convince people that my view is the right one, and I knew I was doing it at the time.
And we as a nation are okay with this?
The worst part about lies is that they are insulting. When you lie, you are insulting both yourself and the person you are telling the lie to.
When you lie to yourself, you are causing insult because of your refusal to deal with the truth as is. Psychology has a term for that: cognitive dissonance. This causes discomfort in the form of stress, which affects us on physical, mental, and emotional levels. Mentally, we can drive ourselves to the point of nervous breakdown in an attempt to keep all the lies straight, while at the same time trying to fix the truth. Emotionally, we become impatient and intolerant, because we assume that others will lie to us as easily as we lie to ourselves. We refuse to see others as the complex human beings with needs that we all are. Physically, the stress caused by maintaining cognitive dissonance manifests as headaches and migraines, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and the release of hormones which support the body's defense system - when released long term, these hormones sabotage the body's ability to heal by making the body operate at 110% all the time. The body needs rest, but we cannot rest and sleep peacefully when we are juggling lies.
When you lie to someone else, you are causing a social insult. People lie to protect themselves from what they think the other person's reaction will be if they tell the truth. That word in bold is key. Lying is completely based upon the perception of other people's reactions.
Therefore, the main insult here is in the form of a lack of trust. By lying to someone, you are telling them that you don't trust them with the truth. You don't trust them to not use it against you; you don't trust them to handle your feelings or situation with care.
Much of this is for good reason. There are countless stories of people being taken advantage of because they allowed themselves to be vulnerable. But the failing there isn't on the person who is vulnerable; the failure is in the inability of the people around them to act like respectable human beings, and recognize that someone is fearful and in need. People rarely tell lies when everything is fine and they feel secure.
But this here is why I have chosen to live my life as an open book. I do not care who criticizes me, I do not care who attempts to hurt me. My honesty has never come back to haunt me; I do not stay awake at night because I've told the truth. More often than not, I'm approached by someone with a similar situation, and I find a very human connection there. These connections would not occur if I didn't have the ovaries to tell the truth, if I didn't have the ovaries to share my struggles.
Please don't think I'm trying to put myself on a pedestal. I lie as much as everyone does, I'm sure. I am confronting lies I've told myself in the past years about many of the things I've discussed here, including health issues (I have yet to confront my high blood pressure; I may have ADD; and of course, my weight). But I am still honest that I have these issues, and that allows me a place to start when I am ready to start making changes.
If you have relationships in your life that are floundering, if you are looking for more connection, more community, start with telling the truth. Be true to yourself. Are you really gay? There's an example of how harmful secrets and lies can truly be. How many people have suffered for how many hundreds of years because they could not tell that truth. Are you really homeless? Use it as a platform to show people that the homeless aren't much different from they are. Connect with other homeless folks and pool resources to find shelter, get information for services, share stories and advice. Are you struggling from cancer, diabetes, other health issues? Be honest about it, so you can receive the support you need to get better, regardless of what the prognosis.
You cannot fix what you don't acknowledge. You cannot expect other people to change their behavior if they don't know what's wrong. And you cannot expect people to support their community, if you don't trust people with the truth in the first place. "Be the change you want to see in the world," says Gandhi. I want to see a more honest culture, where a person's vulnerability is not looked at as a character judgment, but instead seen by their community as an opportunity to prove trustworthiness and social responsibility. It has to start somewhere; why not here?
Now, I know in my head the answer the interviewer is "looking" for; an unqualified yes, no hesitation, no exceptions.
But I am human. That particular day, I happened to have an appointment a half hour's drive away to get food stamps. The appointment was at eleven. I told the woman that I would be happy to start work tomorrow, but that I would be available after 1pm.
"Well, I have other candidates to look at," she replied, her attitude going from warm and sociable to rude and unavailable. I felt like I got smacked in the face.
Where have we gone wrong as a society when we cannot tell the truth about simple obligations. Where have we gone wrong as a society when the simple act of having an appointment means someone can't get a job, let alone the fact that the appointment was so I could eat.
It would have taken a minimum of 2 weeks to get my first paycheck. My family is tapped, having given far more support than they had ever originally signed up for when I moved back home. My fiancé's family is tapped, already supporting for more adults than they should be. I went on food stamps to attempt to ease the burden a little and buy groceries for both households. I only get 200 a month, but it helps immeasurably in easing tension.
I'm very much an open book. I don't hide the good and the bad things I've gone through and done. While some people may be uncomfortable around my willingness to discuss damn near anything, I believe that honesty is key in having successful relationships. You cannot fix what you don't acknowledge. Instead of killing each other with the thousands of small cuts caused by little white lies, approach the issue honestly. Acknowledge that what you say may sound wrong; this will help blunt any hurt the other person may feel. But if you keep it hidden, it will destroy you.
Secrets isolate us. When someone keeps a secret, they are attempting to control a large issue all by themselves. It's exhausting, and unnecessary. We need to stop telling these lies, not only to others, but to ourselves as well. Things are not "fine." Things suck. But things won't get easier if you don't ask for help, and you can't ask for help if you don't acknowledge there is a problem.
Culturally we seem to be dealing with an addiction to lies. There are the social lies we tell ourselves, where we drive the best cars, live in the best houses, and fill those houses with the best toys in an attempt to tell the lie of social status, pretending to be better off than we are. The result: The inevitable fall from social standing when the lie becomes too much to maintain.
There are financial lies we tell ourselves, and worse, to our partners. Our husband does not need to know about the 20 songs we downloaded for a dollar each on Amazon. Our wife doesn't need to know about the new power tool. My business partner doesn't need to know about the money lost on a bad investment. And most of all, no one needs to know we can't pay our bills.
But we can't. Instead of holding that secret against your chest, open up a little and see what happens. Sure, you're going to get criticism. Sure, people will call you every name in the book and a few that aren't. But do you want to fix things? Or are you content to maintain the status quo, watching your family slowly drown instead of waving your arms for that life preserver?
There are health lies we tell ourselves. We don't really weigh that much; that scale has always been faulty. My joints don't hurt that much. My blood pressure isn't that high. This food is good for me. Nationally we are experiencing rising rates in gout, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, obesity and its associated risks. Why? Because we are too cowardly to tell ourselves the truth: We did it, we're responsible for it, and we need to fix it.
We cannot rely on Congress (the biggest batch of liars) to fix these problems for us; they are behind just as big a wall of lies as we are. Their lies include misrepresentation of data to support their agenda, use of inflammatory and hateful language in order to shine the worst light on their opponent, use of religion to justify the mistreatment and discrimination of others. How can we expect a social institution to come up with fixes when they can't even tell the truth about facts? There is a well-known quote regarding Planned Parenthood, that 90% of their funding went to abortions. When this was revealed as a gross error, the speaker backwheeled by saying, "The statistic was never meant to be accurate." In plain terms: I lied about the statistic to convince people that my view is the right one, and I knew I was doing it at the time.
And we as a nation are okay with this?
The worst part about lies is that they are insulting. When you lie, you are insulting both yourself and the person you are telling the lie to.
When you lie to yourself, you are causing insult because of your refusal to deal with the truth as is. Psychology has a term for that: cognitive dissonance. This causes discomfort in the form of stress, which affects us on physical, mental, and emotional levels. Mentally, we can drive ourselves to the point of nervous breakdown in an attempt to keep all the lies straight, while at the same time trying to fix the truth. Emotionally, we become impatient and intolerant, because we assume that others will lie to us as easily as we lie to ourselves. We refuse to see others as the complex human beings with needs that we all are. Physically, the stress caused by maintaining cognitive dissonance manifests as headaches and migraines, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and the release of hormones which support the body's defense system - when released long term, these hormones sabotage the body's ability to heal by making the body operate at 110% all the time. The body needs rest, but we cannot rest and sleep peacefully when we are juggling lies.
When you lie to someone else, you are causing a social insult. People lie to protect themselves from what they think the other person's reaction will be if they tell the truth. That word in bold is key. Lying is completely based upon the perception of other people's reactions.
Therefore, the main insult here is in the form of a lack of trust. By lying to someone, you are telling them that you don't trust them with the truth. You don't trust them to not use it against you; you don't trust them to handle your feelings or situation with care.
Much of this is for good reason. There are countless stories of people being taken advantage of because they allowed themselves to be vulnerable. But the failing there isn't on the person who is vulnerable; the failure is in the inability of the people around them to act like respectable human beings, and recognize that someone is fearful and in need. People rarely tell lies when everything is fine and they feel secure.
But this here is why I have chosen to live my life as an open book. I do not care who criticizes me, I do not care who attempts to hurt me. My honesty has never come back to haunt me; I do not stay awake at night because I've told the truth. More often than not, I'm approached by someone with a similar situation, and I find a very human connection there. These connections would not occur if I didn't have the ovaries to tell the truth, if I didn't have the ovaries to share my struggles.
Please don't think I'm trying to put myself on a pedestal. I lie as much as everyone does, I'm sure. I am confronting lies I've told myself in the past years about many of the things I've discussed here, including health issues (I have yet to confront my high blood pressure; I may have ADD; and of course, my weight). But I am still honest that I have these issues, and that allows me a place to start when I am ready to start making changes.
If you have relationships in your life that are floundering, if you are looking for more connection, more community, start with telling the truth. Be true to yourself. Are you really gay? There's an example of how harmful secrets and lies can truly be. How many people have suffered for how many hundreds of years because they could not tell that truth. Are you really homeless? Use it as a platform to show people that the homeless aren't much different from they are. Connect with other homeless folks and pool resources to find shelter, get information for services, share stories and advice. Are you struggling from cancer, diabetes, other health issues? Be honest about it, so you can receive the support you need to get better, regardless of what the prognosis.
You cannot fix what you don't acknowledge. You cannot expect other people to change their behavior if they don't know what's wrong. And you cannot expect people to support their community, if you don't trust people with the truth in the first place. "Be the change you want to see in the world," says Gandhi. I want to see a more honest culture, where a person's vulnerability is not looked at as a character judgment, but instead seen by their community as an opportunity to prove trustworthiness and social responsibility. It has to start somewhere; why not here?
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