An Open-Book Policy

I get in trouble for telling the truth a lot. My most recent experience involved a job interview that I had completely aced otherwise. The final question was, "Are you available to work tomorrow?"

Now, I know in my head the answer the interviewer is "looking" for; an unqualified yes, no hesitation, no exceptions.

But I am human. That particular day, I happened to have an appointment a half hour's drive away to get food stamps. The appointment was at eleven. I told the woman that I would be happy to start work tomorrow, but that I would be available after 1pm.

"Well, I have other candidates to look at," she replied, her attitude going from warm and sociable to rude and unavailable. I felt like I got smacked in the face.

Where have we gone wrong as a society when we cannot tell the truth about simple obligations. Where have we gone wrong as a society when the simple act of having an appointment means someone can't get a job, let alone the fact that the appointment was so I could eat.

It would have taken a minimum of 2 weeks to get my first paycheck. My family is tapped, having given far more support than they had ever originally signed up for when I moved back home. My fiancé's family is tapped, already supporting for more adults than they should be. I went on food stamps to attempt to ease the burden a little and buy groceries for both households. I only get 200 a month, but it helps immeasurably in easing tension.

I'm very much an open book. I don't hide the good and the bad things I've gone through and done. While some people may be uncomfortable around my willingness to discuss damn near anything, I believe that honesty is key in having successful relationships. You cannot fix what you don't acknowledge. Instead of killing each other with the thousands of small cuts caused by little white lies, approach the issue honestly. Acknowledge that what you say may sound wrong; this will help blunt any hurt the other person may feel. But if you keep it hidden, it will destroy you.

Secrets isolate us. When someone keeps a secret, they are attempting to control a large issue all by themselves. It's exhausting, and unnecessary. We need to stop telling these lies, not only to others, but to ourselves as well. Things are not "fine." Things suck. But things won't get easier if you don't ask for help, and you can't ask for help if you don't acknowledge there is a problem.

Culturally we seem to be dealing with an addiction to lies. There are the social lies we tell ourselves, where we drive the best cars, live in the best houses, and fill those houses with the best toys in an attempt to tell the lie of social status, pretending to be better off than we are. The result: The inevitable fall from social standing when the lie becomes too much to maintain.

There are financial lies we tell ourselves, and worse, to our partners. Our husband does not need to know about the 20 songs we downloaded for a dollar each on Amazon. Our wife doesn't need to know about the new power tool. My business partner doesn't need to know about the money lost on a bad investment. And most of all, no one needs to know we can't pay our bills.

But we can't. Instead of holding that secret against your chest, open up a little and see what happens. Sure, you're going to get criticism. Sure, people will call you every name in the book and a few that aren't. But do you want to fix things? Or are you content to maintain the status quo, watching your family slowly drown instead of waving your arms for that life preserver?

There are health lies we tell ourselves. We don't really weigh that much; that scale has always been faulty. My joints don't hurt that much. My blood pressure isn't that high. This food is good for me. Nationally we are experiencing rising rates in gout, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, obesity and its associated risks. Why? Because we are too cowardly to tell ourselves the truth: We did it, we're responsible for it, and we need to fix it.

We cannot rely on Congress (the biggest batch of liars) to fix these problems for us; they are behind just as big a wall of lies as we are. Their lies include misrepresentation of data to support their agenda, use of inflammatory and hateful language in order to shine the worst light on their opponent, use of religion to justify the mistreatment and discrimination of others. How can we expect a social institution to come up with fixes when they can't even tell the truth about facts? There is a well-known quote regarding Planned Parenthood, that 90% of their funding went to abortions. When this was revealed as a gross error, the speaker backwheeled by saying, "The statistic was never meant to be accurate." In plain terms: I lied about the statistic to convince people that my view is the right one, and I knew I was doing it at the time.

And we as a nation are okay with this?

The worst part about lies is that they are insulting. When you lie, you are insulting both yourself and the person you are telling the lie to.

When you lie to yourself, you are causing insult because of your refusal to deal with the truth as is. Psychology has a term for that: cognitive dissonance. This causes discomfort in the form of stress, which affects us on physical, mental, and emotional levels. Mentally, we can drive ourselves to the point of nervous breakdown in an attempt to keep all the lies straight, while at the same time trying to fix the truth. Emotionally, we become impatient and intolerant, because we assume that others will lie to us as easily as we lie to ourselves. We refuse to see others as the complex human beings with needs that we all are. Physically, the stress caused by maintaining cognitive dissonance manifests as headaches and migraines, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and the release of hormones which support the body's defense system - when released long term, these hormones sabotage the body's ability to heal by making the body operate at 110% all the time. The body needs rest, but we cannot rest and sleep peacefully when we are juggling lies.

When you lie to someone else, you are causing a social insult. People lie to protect themselves from what they think the other person's reaction will be if they tell the truth. That word in bold is key. Lying is completely based upon the perception of other people's reactions.

Therefore, the main insult here is in the form of a lack of trust. By lying to someone, you are telling them that you don't trust them with the truth. You don't trust them to not use it against you; you don't trust them to handle your feelings or situation with care.

Much of this is for good reason. There are countless stories of people being taken advantage of because they allowed themselves to be vulnerable. But the failing there isn't on the person who is vulnerable; the failure is in the inability of the people around them to act like respectable human beings, and recognize that someone is fearful and in need. People rarely tell lies when everything is fine and they feel secure.

But this here is why I have chosen to live my life as an open book. I do not care who criticizes me, I do not care who attempts to hurt me. My honesty has never come back to haunt me; I do not stay awake at night because I've told the truth. More often than not, I'm approached by someone with a similar situation, and I find a very human connection there. These connections would not occur if I didn't have the ovaries to tell the truth, if I didn't have the ovaries to share my struggles.

Please don't think I'm trying to put myself on a pedestal. I lie as much as everyone does, I'm sure. I am confronting lies I've told myself in the past years about many of the things I've discussed here, including health issues (I have yet to confront my high blood pressure; I may have ADD; and of course, my weight). But I am still honest that I have these issues, and that allows me a place to start when I am ready to start making changes.

If you have relationships in your life that are floundering, if you are looking for more connection, more community, start with telling the truth. Be true to yourself. Are you really gay? There's an example of how harmful secrets and lies can truly be. How many people have suffered for how many hundreds of years because they could not tell that truth. Are you really homeless? Use it as a platform to show people that the homeless aren't much different from they are. Connect with other homeless folks and pool resources to find shelter, get information for services, share stories and advice. Are you struggling from cancer, diabetes, other health issues? Be honest about it, so you can receive the support you need to get better, regardless of what the prognosis.

You cannot fix what you don't acknowledge. You cannot expect other people to change their behavior if they don't know what's wrong. And you cannot expect people to support their community, if you don't trust people with the truth in the first place. "Be the change you want to see in the world," says Gandhi. I want to see a more honest culture, where a person's vulnerability is not looked at as a character judgment, but instead seen by their community as an opportunity to prove trustworthiness and social responsibility. It has to start somewhere; why not here?